On Becoming a Cell Phone User

Just a few weeks, ago, my wife bought me my first cell phone. For a long time, I took some pride in not being a cell phone user, but now I don’t feel any desire to ditch this new convenience.

It’s funny that I now have some of the same cell phone mannerisms that I’ve watched others exhibit for so many years. For instance, right in the middle of a meeting or conversation, I’ll get a sudden distracted look, as if realizing that I’m peeing my own pants. What I’m feeling, of course, is the vibrating of my phone.

I have my phone programmed to beep once and then vibrate. But sometimes I don’t hear the beep, and with certain pants I can’t feel the vibration if the pocket has fallen away from my thigh. If I’m wearing a shirt with a breast pocket, that’s my preferred place for the phone. Sometimes I can be seen to pause and bring my hand to my heart, as if experiencing an uncomfortable cardiac sensation. But I’m just touching the phone to see if a fleeting sensation I felt could be the phone vibrating.

Anyway, it’s quite convenient to have the phone, and I like it. I try not to be rude with it. At first, I’d just pull out the phone and answer it even if I was in the middle of a conversation, but now I try to at least say, “Excuse me, I’m going to take this call.” More than 90 percent of the time, it’s my wife. My ex-wife has the number, but she doesn’t call too often.

I have an agreement with my wife that if I’m ever in a situation where I can’t talk but can pick up the phone, such as in a meeting, I will answer it but say nothing. In effect, she can speak as if she’s leaving a voice mail, but I’m listening to her message live. I suppose if she really needed an answer from me right then, she could say, “Press one beep for yes, two beeps for no.”

Anyway, if you ever need to call me on the go, I’m at 801-368-7374.