Monday, July 23, 2007
As one of the more obnoxious, exhibitionistic court jesters at my place of employment, I am occasionally roasted when people turn my openly shared foibles back upon me. Last Halloween, my boss dressed as me for Halloween. At a department party this past Friday night, a jar of authentic "Bigelow Fur" was given to a departing workmate as a farewell gift. My good friend Junko did the graphic, my good friend Chris Yates wrote the text, and my good friend Tiffany actually bought some golden-haired barbies, ripped off their hair, and put it in a "Bigelow Fur" jar:
You are now the proud owner of a jar of one-hundred-percent certified, authentic, freshly harvested Bigelow Fur™.
You are in for a real treat. The only limit to the number of things you can do with Bigelow Fur™ is your imagination. The contents of this jar will provide you with hours of entertainment, pleasure, and occasional dry heaving.
Here are just some of the ways you can make Bigelow Fur™ a fuzzy part of your life:
• Hair Graft: Balding? No worries. With a pen-knife and tweezers, you can transplant as much Bigelow Fur™ into your thin spots as you want. Be warned: the stuff grows fast, and like any invasive species, it may spread and consume your entire body.
• Dental Hygiene: Toothbrushes are a primitive, ineffective way to clean your teeth. Scrubbing those choppers with one handful of Bigelow Fur™, however, is abrasive and effective at dissolving bacteria, food particles, stains, plaque, and frankly, any organic surface with which it comes in contact.
• Constipation: Need fiber? Bigelow Fur™ is just what the doctor ordered! Sprinkle over cereal, salad, or soup. If you have a low tolerance for spiciness or fleas, however, only use Bigelow Fur™ in moderate amounts.
• Birth Control: There’s nothing like abstinence to prevent inadvertent conception. And believe us, abstinence is what you’ll get when you rub Bigelow Fur™ all over your body prior to any contact with the opposite sex. Nothing will repulse a date more than getting a whiff of Bigelow Fur™ when you show up at the front door. It’s 100% guaranteed to drive your date wild with panic and the instinct to flee.
• Patches: Got a hole in your underwear and your wife won’t let you out of the house? Problem solved. Simply weave several strands of Bigelow Fur™ into a small tapestry, and sew it over the offending gaping hole in those funky undies.
• Potpourri: Although we are currently engaged in a legal dispute with Vince Gonzales Industries over the patent to Bigelow Fur Potpourri®, the fact of the matter is, we innovated this dynamic use of Bigelow Fur™. Simply dump Bigelow Fur™ into a pot filled with water, boil, reduce to a simmer, and then enjoy the smell of wet Bigelow wafting through your house. You may also create an astonishing sachet by stuffing Bigelow Fur™ into an old sock or sandal. Seal, and then place in your closet, a drawer of your intimates, or car. You’ll never be without the smell of Bigelow.
This is your first step on a lifelong journey of discovery and fun! Congratulations, and thank you for choosing Bigelow Fur™!
Disclaimer: Although we screen Bigelow Fur™ for impurities, it is impossible to eliminate contaminating factors completely from each batch of harvested fur. We cannot be held liable for any moles, dingleberries, fleas, ticks, M&Ms, string cheese, gerbils, lice, crabs, scabies, dandruff, sweat, or any other horrific particle as yet unidentified by science or God that you may find mixed in your jar of Bigelow Fur™. Bigelow Fur™ has been shown to cause sneezing, coughing, watery eyes, welts, hives, uncontrollable itching, Hanta virus, red-eye syndrome, atrophied arms, ebola virus, Avian flu, West Nile virus, hemorrhoids, goiters, pus emissions from unexpected orifices, shivers, fever, hair loss, hair regrowth, gonorrhea, syphilis, and very unpleasant death. The Surgeon General warns that Bigelow Fur™ is hazardous to human health and sanity. Use at your own risk.
Ah, another feather in my cap at work. My wife and kids must be so proud! (Actually, a couple of coworkers told me they thought Ann had an uncomfortable look on her face during the roast. Sorry, honey--some people in life get promotions, and some get roasted.)