Voice Mail Pet Peeve

I hate voice mail greetings in which the person says something like, “I’m not available to come to the phone right now,” and then goes on to give unnecessary instructions because, well, duh. Here’s a satirical script I’d like to record as my own voice mail greeting, if it weren’t a business line for Zarahemla Books:

Hello, you’ve reached Chris Bigelow. The fact that you’ve reached my voice mail could signify one of several possible scenarios. It may well be that I’m away from my phone and unable to answer it. Or I could be on the other line, talking to someone else who reached me on this phone line before you did. Or perhaps I saw your number on the caller ID and decided, for any number of possible reasons, not to answer the phone at this time.

Whatever the case may be, I’m pleased to inform you that you still have a viable option. Here’s what I recommend: When you hear the beep, you could choose to leave me a voice mail, and I promise I will take whatever action in response that I deem wise and appropriate. If you were to be so kind as to leave a detailed message, it may well be that I’ll be able to give you a more effective response. In any event, do as you see fit when you hear the tone, and please have a great day.

If you weren't worried about offending people, what voice mail greeting would you like to record on your phone?